I’m currently a single man, 84 years old nearing 85. It is accurate to state that on matters of relating to girls once I became attracted to them and they to me, caring adult guidance on proceeding in a respectful loving way was entirely unavailable from my father or a surrogate or a big brother. I suffered. For years I relied upon trial and error experimentation seeking a satisfactory way to relate that fell flat on its face. Experientially my life was awful! Now I think the Hawaiian culture of aloha (and a few other indigenous cultures) may actually be a preferable manner of rearing children and relating as adults; with the proviso that the gross contaminations of relations by capitalist methods and its affects has pervasive corrupting influences upon many Hawaiian women and men struggling for contented ways of life today. There needs to be a revolution in how humans are attuned to respecting and caring for each other. Rampant self-centeredness, emotional as well as material greediness, and psychological isolation with its endemic loneliness must be expunged from cultural mores.
I'm 41, and the principal form of education that I received on how to relate to women was through pornography. The average boy first encounters hardcore pornography in America at the age of 12 years old. I know that it's going to take a lot of work to overcome rape culture in America, but I'm here for it.
I think the work of Dr. Gail Dines and Culture Reframed, as well as Fight the New Drug, is great in this regard.
And you know what? As a teenage girl, I was the subject of teenage boys who developed their taste for sexual exploitation through porn. I remember specifically being aware that boyfriends were asking me to act out things that they had seen in pornography. It fucked up my brain big time, I was objectified and impacted directly by the teenage boy norm that pornography was funny and acceptable.
Thank you, Matthew. This video should be watched in every school and family around the world. I'll send it to my acquaintances, friends and family. So important...
I did NOT hate my body! I loved being a kid and didn't even want to grow up fast. Maybe it's because I grew up in a small town but I never wanted to be a model, had lots of friends—both boys and girls—and we played baseball, basketball, shot pool and played card games—well into our teens. We all just loved being young and never felt any pressure to conform to "ideal" beauty standards.
But, I fear we are going in absolutely the wrong direction! Ever see a TikTok or instagram post? All the young women "influencers" are heavily made up to look like supermodels. So, are things getting better? No, and social media is making things even worse.
So much to unpack. Being the genx crowd wasn’t great for many reasons and checking out was one way to deal. Reality tv was/ is horrible and I hate that your gen went through such crap because of it, among other things. Keep writing powerful truth, my friend. ❤️
In a podcast I heard recently, I heard what a giant thing The Girls Next Door was for preteens. For people my age, it was a guilty pleasure show and ridiculous. We didn’t realize CHILDREN were watching it and aspiring to be Playmates! Wtf!
People greatly underestimate the deep and lasting impressions these images have on kids. For people my age, it was stuff we saw on early MTV and Kelly Bundy’s outfits on Married With Children.
Christina Applegate recently said on her book tour that she had an eating disorder through the entire run of 'Married with Children' so it was around that time too.
Hi Tara, while I really enjoyed your essay and appreciate your candid outlook and honest description of your experiences, what you describe as a Gen Y experience is nothing new to women’s experience. Culturally, the times shift a bit, the mediums of influence change, but the underlying message you are truly getting at is that of ‘the patriarchy’—as old as recorded history. There are beauty ideals in every culture, and behind it all is a male-led, dominant agenda that propels the whole misogynistic machine. We Gen-Xers didn’t have the internet, but we had our TV and movies, magazines, rock&roll music singing about sexy 16 and 17 year olds (“the younger the better” type of male stereotypes directed at women), and eating disorders were at a climactic high in the 80’s. I even remember an “after school special” (short movies for kids and teens that showed at about 3pm on a weekday) about a girl with terrible anorexia and her family’s turmoil in dealing with it. I mean, Twiggy, a famous model from the 1960’s was around before I was even born (in 1974)! She was the one who broke the voluptuous woman beauty ideal of the mid-century, changing to desired look to that of an androgynous pubescent body! Of course, the fashion industry was dominated by men, and so, the Twiggy look was surely ‘curated’ by them. As we know, few women will ever have luck achieving such a body-type fate! Unless they are 13.
Anyway, I’m not trying to derail anything you have shared here. I love people’s individual stories and experiences. But as women, we need to honor that we ALL come from 1000’s of years of generational trauma, caused by assault and abuse on all levels, and that our body image issues are just one result of the way our cultures /societal norms of our times still manage to perpetuate these sickening ideals through men’s use of power, something that has always been (with very few exceptions) throughout history. Thankfully, we had 1st, 2nd and 3rd wave feminism, but we are still fighting today...the power women has been granted is still minimal, comparatively, right? I’m glad the Epstein files have brought light and a face to this issue that many women may have been unaware of (due to ignorance, denial, lack of education? Oh yeah, due to the patriarchy power structures perpetuating us to focus on other things, like the way we look! Etc…) But we still have a long way to go. The #metoo movement was also liberating in that way. We have all suffered at the hands of the patriarchal, generational power structures in place at any given time in history. I hope we as women from all generations can continue to talk about this, expose our oppressors, share our #metoo moments, and work toward making the world a more equitable place for our future generations of women. In peace and light, namaste. 🙏🏼
I'm a gen x, life was hell. Eating disorder. Etc.... Its only in the last few years, that I can sort of look at myself in the mirror, I have a good body, only I can't /couldnt see that.
This is so good! I'm a happy 57 years old now and am saddened that I spent the most beautiful body years I had hating my body. I always thought I was too fat. 🤦♀️ I look back at photos from the time and realize I was hot! But I never felt like it.
Same. I even look back five years ago and think why did I think I was too fat? When my daughter was four she was in a ballet class that put on a show. My mom whispered to me, “How come they let those little fatties in the show?” It continues through the generations. The other night I went to the birthday dinner of an 87 year old friend. She and another woman who is 80 were refusing the marzipan someone brought as a gift because it “would make them fat.” It’s time to end this.
My parents are in their 80s! They do the same thing! Live it up, people—you’ve both outlived average life expectancy and don’t have heart disease, kidney failure, or any of the other problems of your cohort
My friends and I often say we wish we had the bodies we used to hate. I remember a time when I actually liked how I looked. I remember a male friend saying you are not thin, but you know how to dress….
Glad that you are happy about your body now. But the fact that you scribe what you see as good as "hot" and that "hot" is " not fat" is disturbing to me. To me, it is what the author is describing as exactly the problem.
Reading this piece gives me a small sense of comfort knowing so many of us went through the same experiences and struggles. And also great sadness that we’ve spent so long resenting the beautiful bodies we are meant to call home. We may have not seen the reality of the culture we lived in during our adolescence but there’s no denying it now. And that knowledge will hopefully help us raise up the next generation of women.
Thank you for reading! I am simultaneously comforted and horrified at what a universal this experience has proven to be these past couple of weeks but we know two things: We aren’t alone in feeling this way, and we WILL do better for our young girls moving forward.
One of the most joyful parts of this week was hearing Gold Medalist Alyssa Liu say she wasn’t on a diet. That she wore what SHE wanted, dyed her hair the way SHE likes it, and went out and won it all on HER terms. Progress isn’t linear, but it’s happening.
“No matter what happens, it’s not like you can get reparations on lost girlhood innocence.” Well said. And helps explain why this wave of news and revelations is hitting so many of us so hard.
I graduated high school in 2005, this resonates deeply. I have a daughter now and it’s all a lot to process. I was deep in the throes of this nonsense as a child and it’s gonna be a journey but I feel so hopeful. Thank you for putting this all into words, for your honesty and vulnerability, for mentoring the next generation of girls, and for encouraging all of us. 🩷
2008 for me, which means we also both graduated college straight into the Great Recession. A whole ‘nother can of feeling Not Good Enough!
Best of luck navigating this world with your daughter. I firmly believe women and girls heal together as we heal each other, and parenting is the best mentoring gig in the world. Thank you so much for reading!
Hi Tara, I have only just come across your writings BTW - so I graduated in 1975, but as teenage girls we were groomed even then, so despite the 33 year difference between us, I can 100% relate to your feelings of being groomed by the entirety of our patriarchal paedophilic culture even back then.
A couple of examples: "The Pill" was supposed to be women's liberation from unwanted pregnancy, but in effect it became more of a free rein to entitled paedophilic men who believed we then had no reason to say no to their "advances"/sexual assaults and rapes, and magazines aimed at teenage girls told us that being "good at sex" and giving "good blow jobs" (as well as being pretty and thin of course) were the most important attributes we try to develop if we had any hopes of having a lasting relationship with a man.
A friend posted a photo of her granddaughter on-line and the way she was dressed, all I could think was "creepy" and "low-life." The thing is I know the girl isn't like that but there she was dressing the part. I can't say a word because I just come across as an old woman who is out of touch. Wish girls could see through all that craziness. I worry about all of them. They're like little sea turtles trying to get out of their nest and make it to the ocean. There are predators everywhere and not all of them make it.
I think the girls today are doing better than I did, and I think it’s in part because the framework is just…way more diverse, now. Fashion is global.
As Amy Poehler put it, this new generation dresses like they always have the flu, and I’m so proud of them for putting comfort over pleasure for the wrong kind of gaze.
If you see a girl dressing otherwise, it may be wise to simply reach out and make sure she knows she has a friend in you. Compliment her on something non-visual. Remind her she is more than her body. You’re right, no child can navigate this alone.
I have two teenage daughters and sometimes I have been frustrated that they refuse the wear anything the least bit cute. It's all baggy high waist jeans or sweatpants, boxy tshirts and the hideous and ever present Crocs! But then I remember how sexualized the clothes were when I was a teen and I think maybe they are trying to hide, to stay children a little longer.
Dressing for comfort and to protect our bodies and skin from the elements should be the point of clothes and shoes. Cross are incredibly comfortable and are an efficient use of plastic because they last forever. Same for sweat pants and hoodies. Let's hope your daughters stay this way. Too many women cannot feel good about themselves without juvenile sexualization. Why are smart adult women all spending hours maintaining long hair rolled into "little girl curls", wearing tight dresses and 6 inch spike heels to read the news or weather on TV, argue a case in court or see patients?
Exactly because they're so innocent, they have no idea of how they look from the outside, and no conception of the dark desires they arouse. They are just trying to be good girls by doing what's expected of them.
I've seen so many of them. Stabs the heart right through.
I have memories of being that girl. I understand what you meant. Their eyes never lied. There was no understanding for why, but there was no mistaking the gaze was one of darkness. Had an energy to it.
Peculiar feeling for a child to process. Unknown, but there was no denying it felt wrong.
Yes, I know what you describe. Good for you that your protective instinct was alert even through the conscious mind was not yet developed to process what that particular darkness was about.
It’s a sickening energy like the one in Mervyn Peake’s story “Boy in Darkness”.
I'm talking about little children (I have seen it done with even girls as young af 5-6 years) being targeted by ads, fashion etc. to wear sex-oriented clothes, adopt provocative poses etc. without knowing the meaning of these things. This is dangerous to the children, as there are many predators about.
If you think warning against the human cost of this sick culture makes me the problem, then what is your own position on sexualizing children?
Are you team Epstein, or what exactly are you hinting at?
I suspect (and hope) you misunderstood what I was referring to.
I politely request you take your comment over to IG content where those who lack depth, critical thinking skills and the desire for authentic connection and growth will welcome you with open arms in the shared desire of slinging cheap insults to balm their anemic self-worth. 👋
"Creepy" doesn't make sense here. It seems like you are forcing the application of a word that better describes the pedophile men who will oogle her.
Always blame the perps, never the targets. Btw, did you know that conservatively dressed girls and women are *more* likely to be assaulted, because the perps presume they are less brash and outspoken and will "keep quiet"?
Have you ever taken a pair of boys size shorts and compared them to the equivalent in girls size? Have you ever taken your son shopping, and then your daughter? Have you seen what there is to buy? It’s all by design. Thankfully over the last 5 years there’s been a huge movement into comfort as style.
I've had a lot of success exchanging with him. I'm sorry he made a bad impression of himself. He's blunt, caustic in written form, but also insightful and genuinely cares about the younger generation. I don't think he intended to harass you here. I hope he tries again.
In a lot of ways girls and women have always experienced the shame of being female. In my generation pervs were there for us too. A friend's father, I was 9, called me into their house by myself only to show me a picture of porn. I was sexually assaulted by relatives, people I should have been able to trust. I fought my feelings of shame, because I had to have done something to attract it, for too large a part of my life. Therapy has been a godsend to me and I feel much better about me and my place in the world. But, my darling girl, I would never want you to hurt like that and I am sorry beyond measure that you have. I love you truly, madly, deeply ❤️
Y’all had it a totally different kind of hard, when children were seen and not heard, especially as girls. Especially before therapy was normalized.
I am so grateful to have had you as an auntie from the moment I was born. You did help make me stronger, safer, and better cared for because of it. I hope you know that.
This is vindication for all the arguments I have been making for decades! I was called an “alarmist”, a “kook”, a “manhater”, and many other things for complaining about the way women have been portrayed in popular culture. My biggest issue is with calling adult women “girls”. It is disgusting. Even a 40 year old attorney with teenage children will be called a “girl”. It is misogynistic and infantilizing. They are afraid of grown, strong, independent women who don’t need or want men telling them what to do.
I agree with your insights and applaud your desire to raise your daughter differently, but what about our sons? To me this is an even bigger issue. We need to figure out where we are going wrong here as a society.
Recently I came across a lingerie catalog I'd saved from 50 years ago. (Yes, the 70's!) What a shock to be reminded of what lingerie models looked like back then! All sorts of shapes and proportions, saggy boobs and tiny boobs, bodies that would be considered downright ugly now but were considered hot in the time before there was plastic surgery and breast implants. These were real women, presented as sexy just as they were.
How did women allow this to be stolen? Not just stolen - women EAGERLY spend BILLIONS to look like something different from what they are. How far we, collectively, have fallen just in my own lifetime.
And still men resent us, and so many of them outright hate us. ("Fucking bitch!") All that money spent, and we still haven't bought their good will.
Imagine what could be done with the billions of dollars spent by women on fashion, makeup and cosmetic surgery. Just IMAGINE how world-changing those billions of dollars could have been.
Not preachy at all to wish for obscenely wealthy men to use their money for good rather than personal gratification and creating larger piles of money for themselves. It's simply the moral thing to do. Thank you for reading!
And obscenely wealthy women. Too many women have been complicit because they want men in their lives. Without women who go along with this it just wouldn't work. To me, this is the real message you are sending and you are living it. Many thanks!
I love this piece, and flashed back to my own adolescence, in the 80’s! Unfortunately, the sexualization of children and girls began decades prior to the 2000’s; VS started in the late 70’s and child beauty pageants in the 60’s! The most beautiful baby was conceived of even earlier in the 1850’s!!
I remember watching the premiere of Miss Teen USA at the ripe age of 10. Looking back, there was always a vague sense of value based on how physically adorable we presented ourselves to the world. This awareness predates all interest in boys, and no doubt - female intuition is the sacrifice of innocence we inherited from all our female ancestors. May God have mercy on their souls when it is finally burned to the ground! Solidarity Sisters!!!
I remember watching the Miss Teen USA and thinking I was abnormal for not being able to be a skinny as them (AKA to "pull off" a bikini).
Keep in mind, my mother and father were hippie-era who never ever said a bad word about my body.
I remember thinking it was weird that I thought it was weird - that Britney Spears and Mandy Moore and Aliyah basically did baby talk and danced in "Cute" clothes while they sang about relationships (that presumably included sex). I always wanted to look and be thought of as older. So it was jarring for me to see them doing a younger impression than they were. And Mandy Moore was 15 when she debuted "Candy".
It took me a couple of years to start aping it.
It was our culture. We really were swimming in it....
So... am I actually NOT the only person on the planet that thinks string bikinis (or, frankly, bikinis in general) for underaged girls - especially toddlers - is sick as absolute f*ck?
Tankinis were a revelation when I was a kid -- they covered more than a bikini, AND you wouldn't grow out of them before summer ended like one-pieces.
It does feel gross, but bikinis are one of the only types of swimsuit that really does conform to most body types -- you can get differently sized tops and bottoms, there won't be loose fabric flopping around if you're too skinny of a little kid, and it accomodates different torso lengths.
From a practical standpoint, it's really the best swimwear for anyone without the exact body type a one-piece is designed around. I had a couple of one-pieces throughout childhood, which were hand-me-downs from more affluent friends, but every broke mom bought bikinis.
Really, though, I don't think of bikinis as inherently sexy on children (I'm not a man, though). I certainly wouldn't do a string bikini, though -- the bandeau styles are much more appropriate for kids who don't have developed breasts yet.
Of course, I was born in 2000 and didn't care about media much, so I wasn't really affected by the stuff in this post. I got lucky. I also don't have to wear a bikini now that I've stopped growing!
The tankini was invented by American designer Anne Cole in 1998. It combines a tank top with a bikini bottom, offering the coverage of a one-piece swimsuit while maintaining the convenience of a two-piece.
I somehow saw through this at 12. Not sure how I got there. I still refuse to wear a bikini at 30. It's just weird to me. Nothing made me happier than growing up enough to wear office clothing everyday. I remember being 16 and lamenting, "I just want clothes that will cover my underwear!!" Things have gotten a little bit better.
Yep, Gen X here. We were all groomed and to a great extent much of America is being groomed currently. I was called difficult and the B word quite often growing up, but now I realize it was only to suppress my resistance to being marginalized and sexualized. Thanks for sharing your story.
This is so horrific. The hypersexualization of young girls during this period was perverse. I remember wearing a size large at Abercrombie despite being 120lbs at 18yo. And don’t get me started on the pink line. The booty shorts and knee socks… absolutely no one looked at the adult men creating this fashion as the creeps they were. I want someone to comment on that fact. Because what I saw were countless suburbanite moms diving head first into this culture when they should’ve been rejecting it wholeheartedly.
Wow. Really well said. As a man who grew up in the Midwest US in the 90’s I’ve had to unlearn a lot of the bullshit I was taught then. Many years of listening to my women friends and reading things like this have been instrumental. This is a great reminder, thank you.
I still suffer from body dysmorphia at 57. My body is the same as it has been forever. My mother always told me I could have any man I want if I would just lose ten pounds. There it is. I dint hold it against her. Her mother died from an overdose of diet medicine in the 50's. I'm happy to see culture changing but it's not enough.
My grandmother once told me I could model, I just needed to lose ten pounds. I was 12. She loved me so much and it didn't come from a place of cruelty; she just never had any power beyond her beauty. In a way, she was trying to look out for me.
It takes strength to work past the words that shaped our insecurities. Recognizing them for what they were is the first step. ❤️🩹
In real life, most men actually don't even register the difference between ten pounds more or less. They're turned on by big curves and small. So this idea of your mother's is just as sadly out of touch with reality as a man's who thinks he could have any woman if his private parts were only a bit longer, or something.
In fact, most women never think about the size of men's genitals; their focus is somewhere else entirely.
So true! People who do care about such things prove to be unworthy partners. I dated a man in college who belittled me whenever I ate second helpings or dessert. Luckily I came to my senses and kicked him to the curb. I've now been married for 35 years to my best friend. We both do our best to keep ourselves in shape and we are healthy and happy. Do I wish I was thin, yes. But it won't really improve my life and it won't make people like/love me more.
Wow thanks for writing this.
A lot of reflection over the years on why every single girl I knew hated her body. How did culture create mass body dysmorphia?
I honestly don’t know if it’s worse to understand that it was all by design, or if it had simply been an accident.
Doesn’t change the damage it caused, either way. Thank you for reading!
I’m currently a single man, 84 years old nearing 85. It is accurate to state that on matters of relating to girls once I became attracted to them and they to me, caring adult guidance on proceeding in a respectful loving way was entirely unavailable from my father or a surrogate or a big brother. I suffered. For years I relied upon trial and error experimentation seeking a satisfactory way to relate that fell flat on its face. Experientially my life was awful! Now I think the Hawaiian culture of aloha (and a few other indigenous cultures) may actually be a preferable manner of rearing children and relating as adults; with the proviso that the gross contaminations of relations by capitalist methods and its affects has pervasive corrupting influences upon many Hawaiian women and men struggling for contented ways of life today. There needs to be a revolution in how humans are attuned to respecting and caring for each other. Rampant self-centeredness, emotional as well as material greediness, and psychological isolation with its endemic loneliness must be expunged from cultural mores.
I'm 41, and the principal form of education that I received on how to relate to women was through pornography. The average boy first encounters hardcore pornography in America at the age of 12 years old. I know that it's going to take a lot of work to overcome rape culture in America, but I'm here for it.
I think the work of Dr. Gail Dines and Culture Reframed, as well as Fight the New Drug, is great in this regard.
And you know what? As a teenage girl, I was the subject of teenage boys who developed their taste for sexual exploitation through porn. I remember specifically being aware that boyfriends were asking me to act out things that they had seen in pornography. It fucked up my brain big time, I was objectified and impacted directly by the teenage boy norm that pornography was funny and acceptable.
https://youtu.be/_YpHNImNsx8?si=Shnq46jO5cxJN5mo
Thank you, Matthew. This video should be watched in every school and family around the world. I'll send it to my acquaintances, friends and family. So important...
Ugh so disheartening 😞
I'm sorry that happened to you when you were a little boy.
It’s a feature, not a bug. Self hatred makes people easier to manipulate and control.
I did NOT hate my body! I loved being a kid and didn't even want to grow up fast. Maybe it's because I grew up in a small town but I never wanted to be a model, had lots of friends—both boys and girls—and we played baseball, basketball, shot pool and played card games—well into our teens. We all just loved being young and never felt any pressure to conform to "ideal" beauty standards.
But, I fear we are going in absolutely the wrong direction! Ever see a TikTok or instagram post? All the young women "influencers" are heavily made up to look like supermodels. So, are things getting better? No, and social media is making things even worse.
Mass indulgence....?
So much to unpack. Being the genx crowd wasn’t great for many reasons and checking out was one way to deal. Reality tv was/ is horrible and I hate that your gen went through such crap because of it, among other things. Keep writing powerful truth, my friend. ❤️
A lot of GenXers had to deal with “LOL we don’t make anything bigger than a size 12”—the body hate started before Y2K
Certainly, none of this came out of a vacuum.
However there is a lot of daylight between “plus sized” and child sized. I was expected to be child sized forever. That was specific to my timeline.
My god, that is so creepy. I am so so sorry.
In a podcast I heard recently, I heard what a giant thing The Girls Next Door was for preteens. For people my age, it was a guilty pleasure show and ridiculous. We didn’t realize CHILDREN were watching it and aspiring to be Playmates! Wtf!
People greatly underestimate the deep and lasting impressions these images have on kids. For people my age, it was stuff we saw on early MTV and Kelly Bundy’s outfits on Married With Children.
Christina Applegate recently said on her book tour that she had an eating disorder through the entire run of 'Married with Children' so it was around that time too.
Hi Tara, while I really enjoyed your essay and appreciate your candid outlook and honest description of your experiences, what you describe as a Gen Y experience is nothing new to women’s experience. Culturally, the times shift a bit, the mediums of influence change, but the underlying message you are truly getting at is that of ‘the patriarchy’—as old as recorded history. There are beauty ideals in every culture, and behind it all is a male-led, dominant agenda that propels the whole misogynistic machine. We Gen-Xers didn’t have the internet, but we had our TV and movies, magazines, rock&roll music singing about sexy 16 and 17 year olds (“the younger the better” type of male stereotypes directed at women), and eating disorders were at a climactic high in the 80’s. I even remember an “after school special” (short movies for kids and teens that showed at about 3pm on a weekday) about a girl with terrible anorexia and her family’s turmoil in dealing with it. I mean, Twiggy, a famous model from the 1960’s was around before I was even born (in 1974)! She was the one who broke the voluptuous woman beauty ideal of the mid-century, changing to desired look to that of an androgynous pubescent body! Of course, the fashion industry was dominated by men, and so, the Twiggy look was surely ‘curated’ by them. As we know, few women will ever have luck achieving such a body-type fate! Unless they are 13.
Anyway, I’m not trying to derail anything you have shared here. I love people’s individual stories and experiences. But as women, we need to honor that we ALL come from 1000’s of years of generational trauma, caused by assault and abuse on all levels, and that our body image issues are just one result of the way our cultures /societal norms of our times still manage to perpetuate these sickening ideals through men’s use of power, something that has always been (with very few exceptions) throughout history. Thankfully, we had 1st, 2nd and 3rd wave feminism, but we are still fighting today...the power women has been granted is still minimal, comparatively, right? I’m glad the Epstein files have brought light and a face to this issue that many women may have been unaware of (due to ignorance, denial, lack of education? Oh yeah, due to the patriarchy power structures perpetuating us to focus on other things, like the way we look! Etc…) But we still have a long way to go. The #metoo movement was also liberating in that way. We have all suffered at the hands of the patriarchal, generational power structures in place at any given time in history. I hope we as women from all generations can continue to talk about this, expose our oppressors, share our #metoo moments, and work toward making the world a more equitable place for our future generations of women. In peace and light, namaste. 🙏🏼
I'm a gen x, life was hell. Eating disorder. Etc.... Its only in the last few years, that I can sort of look at myself in the mirror, I have a good body, only I can't /couldnt see that.
This is so good! I'm a happy 57 years old now and am saddened that I spent the most beautiful body years I had hating my body. I always thought I was too fat. 🤦♀️ I look back at photos from the time and realize I was hot! But I never felt like it.
You'll never be this young again! Enjoy the body you have right now. She's so strong.
Same. I even look back five years ago and think why did I think I was too fat? When my daughter was four she was in a ballet class that put on a show. My mom whispered to me, “How come they let those little fatties in the show?” It continues through the generations. The other night I went to the birthday dinner of an 87 year old friend. She and another woman who is 80 were refusing the marzipan someone brought as a gift because it “would make them fat.” It’s time to end this.
My parents are in their 80s! They do the same thing! Live it up, people—you’ve both outlived average life expectancy and don’t have heart disease, kidney failure, or any of the other problems of your cohort
Every woman's story.
But do realize now that you are still more beautiful than you think. So don't waste the now, too.
💜💜
My friends and I often say we wish we had the bodies we used to hate. I remember a time when I actually liked how I looked. I remember a male friend saying you are not thin, but you know how to dress….
we all did. I am 73 now. how incredibly sad
Glad that you are happy about your body now. But the fact that you scribe what you see as good as "hot" and that "hot" is " not fat" is disturbing to me. To me, it is what the author is describing as exactly the problem.
You have every right to be disturbed. I was just sharing my experience.
Reading this piece gives me a small sense of comfort knowing so many of us went through the same experiences and struggles. And also great sadness that we’ve spent so long resenting the beautiful bodies we are meant to call home. We may have not seen the reality of the culture we lived in during our adolescence but there’s no denying it now. And that knowledge will hopefully help us raise up the next generation of women.
Thank you for reading! I am simultaneously comforted and horrified at what a universal this experience has proven to be these past couple of weeks but we know two things: We aren’t alone in feeling this way, and we WILL do better for our young girls moving forward.
One of the most joyful parts of this week was hearing Gold Medalist Alyssa Liu say she wasn’t on a diet. That she wore what SHE wanted, dyed her hair the way SHE likes it, and went out and won it all on HER terms. Progress isn’t linear, but it’s happening.
“No matter what happens, it’s not like you can get reparations on lost girlhood innocence.” Well said. And helps explain why this wave of news and revelations is hitting so many of us so hard.
I graduated high school in 2005, this resonates deeply. I have a daughter now and it’s all a lot to process. I was deep in the throes of this nonsense as a child and it’s gonna be a journey but I feel so hopeful. Thank you for putting this all into words, for your honesty and vulnerability, for mentoring the next generation of girls, and for encouraging all of us. 🩷
2008 for me, which means we also both graduated college straight into the Great Recession. A whole ‘nother can of feeling Not Good Enough!
Best of luck navigating this world with your daughter. I firmly believe women and girls heal together as we heal each other, and parenting is the best mentoring gig in the world. Thank you so much for reading!
Hi Tara, I have only just come across your writings BTW - so I graduated in 1975, but as teenage girls we were groomed even then, so despite the 33 year difference between us, I can 100% relate to your feelings of being groomed by the entirety of our patriarchal paedophilic culture even back then.
A couple of examples: "The Pill" was supposed to be women's liberation from unwanted pregnancy, but in effect it became more of a free rein to entitled paedophilic men who believed we then had no reason to say no to their "advances"/sexual assaults and rapes, and magazines aimed at teenage girls told us that being "good at sex" and giving "good blow jobs" (as well as being pretty and thin of course) were the most important attributes we try to develop if we had any hopes of having a lasting relationship with a man.
Yes graduated from college in 2009 and was one of two people I knew who graduated with a job— which for me was as a teacher with Teach For America. 🩷
You are so right, having a daughter has been so healing for me. 🙏
This comment and essay have cut me right to the bone (I’m way older than you)—thanks for sharing both
Thanks for reading!
A friend posted a photo of her granddaughter on-line and the way she was dressed, all I could think was "creepy" and "low-life." The thing is I know the girl isn't like that but there she was dressing the part. I can't say a word because I just come across as an old woman who is out of touch. Wish girls could see through all that craziness. I worry about all of them. They're like little sea turtles trying to get out of their nest and make it to the ocean. There are predators everywhere and not all of them make it.
I think the girls today are doing better than I did, and I think it’s in part because the framework is just…way more diverse, now. Fashion is global.
As Amy Poehler put it, this new generation dresses like they always have the flu, and I’m so proud of them for putting comfort over pleasure for the wrong kind of gaze.
If you see a girl dressing otherwise, it may be wise to simply reach out and make sure she knows she has a friend in you. Compliment her on something non-visual. Remind her she is more than her body. You’re right, no child can navigate this alone.
I have two teenage daughters and sometimes I have been frustrated that they refuse the wear anything the least bit cute. It's all baggy high waist jeans or sweatpants, boxy tshirts and the hideous and ever present Crocs! But then I remember how sexualized the clothes were when I was a teen and I think maybe they are trying to hide, to stay children a little longer.
Dressing for comfort and to protect our bodies and skin from the elements should be the point of clothes and shoes. Cross are incredibly comfortable and are an efficient use of plastic because they last forever. Same for sweat pants and hoodies. Let's hope your daughters stay this way. Too many women cannot feel good about themselves without juvenile sexualization. Why are smart adult women all spending hours maintaining long hair rolled into "little girl curls", wearing tight dresses and 6 inch spike heels to read the news or weather on TV, argue a case in court or see patients?
Exactly because they're so innocent, they have no idea of how they look from the outside, and no conception of the dark desires they arouse. They are just trying to be good girls by doing what's expected of them.
I've seen so many of them. Stabs the heart right through.
I have memories of being that girl. I understand what you meant. Their eyes never lied. There was no understanding for why, but there was no mistaking the gaze was one of darkness. Had an energy to it.
Peculiar feeling for a child to process. Unknown, but there was no denying it felt wrong.
Yes, I know what you describe. Good for you that your protective instinct was alert even through the conscious mind was not yet developed to process what that particular darkness was about.
It’s a sickening energy like the one in Mervyn Peake’s story “Boy in Darkness”.
Jesus. YOU'RE the problem. Please go to therapy.
I'm talking about little children (I have seen it done with even girls as young af 5-6 years) being targeted by ads, fashion etc. to wear sex-oriented clothes, adopt provocative poses etc. without knowing the meaning of these things. This is dangerous to the children, as there are many predators about.
If you think warning against the human cost of this sick culture makes me the problem, then what is your own position on sexualizing children?
Are you team Epstein, or what exactly are you hinting at?
I suspect (and hope) you misunderstood what I was referring to.
I politely request you take your comment over to IG content where those who lack depth, critical thinking skills and the desire for authentic connection and growth will welcome you with open arms in the shared desire of slinging cheap insults to balm their anemic self-worth. 👋
"Creepy" doesn't make sense here. It seems like you are forcing the application of a word that better describes the pedophile men who will oogle her.
Always blame the perps, never the targets. Btw, did you know that conservatively dressed girls and women are *more* likely to be assaulted, because the perps presume they are less brash and outspoken and will "keep quiet"?
True story.
Great analogy
Have you ever taken a pair of boys size shorts and compared them to the equivalent in girls size? Have you ever taken your son shopping, and then your daughter? Have you seen what there is to buy? It’s all by design. Thankfully over the last 5 years there’s been a huge movement into comfort as style.
I ban people who talk like that user did. Thank you for pushing back on him.
I've had a lot of success exchanging with him. I'm sorry he made a bad impression of himself. He's blunt, caustic in written form, but also insightful and genuinely cares about the younger generation. I don't think he intended to harass you here. I hope he tries again.
In a lot of ways girls and women have always experienced the shame of being female. In my generation pervs were there for us too. A friend's father, I was 9, called me into their house by myself only to show me a picture of porn. I was sexually assaulted by relatives, people I should have been able to trust. I fought my feelings of shame, because I had to have done something to attract it, for too large a part of my life. Therapy has been a godsend to me and I feel much better about me and my place in the world. But, my darling girl, I would never want you to hurt like that and I am sorry beyond measure that you have. I love you truly, madly, deeply ❤️
Y’all had it a totally different kind of hard, when children were seen and not heard, especially as girls. Especially before therapy was normalized.
I am so grateful to have had you as an auntie from the moment I was born. You did help make me stronger, safer, and better cared for because of it. I hope you know that.
Thank you sweetheart ❤️❤️❤️
This is vindication for all the arguments I have been making for decades! I was called an “alarmist”, a “kook”, a “manhater”, and many other things for complaining about the way women have been portrayed in popular culture. My biggest issue is with calling adult women “girls”. It is disgusting. Even a 40 year old attorney with teenage children will be called a “girl”. It is misogynistic and infantilizing. They are afraid of grown, strong, independent women who don’t need or want men telling them what to do.
Relatedly, girls are not “underage women!” Every news outlet has been calling the Epstein victims that phrase, and it fills me with rage.
We have entirely flipped the script on femininity, and I strongly believe it's no accident.
I agree with your insights and applaud your desire to raise your daughter differently, but what about our sons? To me this is an even bigger issue. We need to figure out where we are going wrong here as a society.
I agree 100%! Get boys out of the manosphere and back into real life.
My next post is gonna be about asking more out of "good men," so get ready for that one!
Recently I came across a lingerie catalog I'd saved from 50 years ago. (Yes, the 70's!) What a shock to be reminded of what lingerie models looked like back then! All sorts of shapes and proportions, saggy boobs and tiny boobs, bodies that would be considered downright ugly now but were considered hot in the time before there was plastic surgery and breast implants. These were real women, presented as sexy just as they were.
How did women allow this to be stolen? Not just stolen - women EAGERLY spend BILLIONS to look like something different from what they are. How far we, collectively, have fallen just in my own lifetime.
And still men resent us, and so many of them outright hate us. ("Fucking bitch!") All that money spent, and we still haven't bought their good will.
Imagine what could be done with the billions of dollars spent by women on fashion, makeup and cosmetic surgery. Just IMAGINE how world-changing those billions of dollars could have been.
Ouch, that sounds so preachy. If anyone can tell me how I could have said it better, I’ll be genuinely grateful.
Not preachy at all to wish for obscenely wealthy men to use their money for good rather than personal gratification and creating larger piles of money for themselves. It's simply the moral thing to do. Thank you for reading!
And obscenely wealthy women. Too many women have been complicit because they want men in their lives. Without women who go along with this it just wouldn't work. To me, this is the real message you are sending and you are living it. Many thanks!
I love this piece, and flashed back to my own adolescence, in the 80’s! Unfortunately, the sexualization of children and girls began decades prior to the 2000’s; VS started in the late 70’s and child beauty pageants in the 60’s! The most beautiful baby was conceived of even earlier in the 1850’s!!
I remember watching the premiere of Miss Teen USA at the ripe age of 10. Looking back, there was always a vague sense of value based on how physically adorable we presented ourselves to the world. This awareness predates all interest in boys, and no doubt - female intuition is the sacrifice of innocence we inherited from all our female ancestors. May God have mercy on their souls when it is finally burned to the ground! Solidarity Sisters!!!
I remember watching the Miss Teen USA and thinking I was abnormal for not being able to be a skinny as them (AKA to "pull off" a bikini).
Keep in mind, my mother and father were hippie-era who never ever said a bad word about my body.
I remember thinking it was weird that I thought it was weird - that Britney Spears and Mandy Moore and Aliyah basically did baby talk and danced in "Cute" clothes while they sang about relationships (that presumably included sex). I always wanted to look and be thought of as older. So it was jarring for me to see them doing a younger impression than they were. And Mandy Moore was 15 when she debuted "Candy".
It took me a couple of years to start aping it.
It was our culture. We really were swimming in it....
So... am I actually NOT the only person on the planet that thinks string bikinis (or, frankly, bikinis in general) for underaged girls - especially toddlers - is sick as absolute f*ck?
Tankinis were a revelation when I was a kid -- they covered more than a bikini, AND you wouldn't grow out of them before summer ended like one-pieces.
It does feel gross, but bikinis are one of the only types of swimsuit that really does conform to most body types -- you can get differently sized tops and bottoms, there won't be loose fabric flopping around if you're too skinny of a little kid, and it accomodates different torso lengths.
From a practical standpoint, it's really the best swimwear for anyone without the exact body type a one-piece is designed around. I had a couple of one-pieces throughout childhood, which were hand-me-downs from more affluent friends, but every broke mom bought bikinis.
Really, though, I don't think of bikinis as inherently sexy on children (I'm not a man, though). I certainly wouldn't do a string bikini, though -- the bandeau styles are much more appropriate for kids who don't have developed breasts yet.
Of course, I was born in 2000 and didn't care about media much, so I wasn't really affected by the stuff in this post. I got lucky. I also don't have to wear a bikini now that I've stopped growing!
Tankinis are truly the best! 🔥
Of course it was invented by a woman
The tankini was invented by American designer Anne Cole in 1998. It combines a tank top with a bikini bottom, offering the coverage of a one-piece swimsuit while maintaining the convenience of a two-piece.
I somehow saw through this at 12. Not sure how I got there. I still refuse to wear a bikini at 30. It's just weird to me. Nothing made me happier than growing up enough to wear office clothing everyday. I remember being 16 and lamenting, "I just want clothes that will cover my underwear!!" Things have gotten a little bit better.
Yep, Gen X here. We were all groomed and to a great extent much of America is being groomed currently. I was called difficult and the B word quite often growing up, but now I realize it was only to suppress my resistance to being marginalized and sexualized. Thanks for sharing your story.
This is so horrific. The hypersexualization of young girls during this period was perverse. I remember wearing a size large at Abercrombie despite being 120lbs at 18yo. And don’t get me started on the pink line. The booty shorts and knee socks… absolutely no one looked at the adult men creating this fashion as the creeps they were. I want someone to comment on that fact. Because what I saw were countless suburbanite moms diving head first into this culture when they should’ve been rejecting it wholeheartedly.
Wow. Really well said. As a man who grew up in the Midwest US in the 90’s I’ve had to unlearn a lot of the bullshit I was taught then. Many years of listening to my women friends and reading things like this have been instrumental. This is a great reminder, thank you.
Thank you for being a man who is willing to listen and unlearn! We need every last one of y'all we can get.
🙏
I still suffer from body dysmorphia at 57. My body is the same as it has been forever. My mother always told me I could have any man I want if I would just lose ten pounds. There it is. I dint hold it against her. Her mother died from an overdose of diet medicine in the 50's. I'm happy to see culture changing but it's not enough.
My grandmother once told me I could model, I just needed to lose ten pounds. I was 12. She loved me so much and it didn't come from a place of cruelty; she just never had any power beyond her beauty. In a way, she was trying to look out for me.
It takes strength to work past the words that shaped our insecurities. Recognizing them for what they were is the first step. ❤️🩹
In real life, most men actually don't even register the difference between ten pounds more or less. They're turned on by big curves and small. So this idea of your mother's is just as sadly out of touch with reality as a man's who thinks he could have any woman if his private parts were only a bit longer, or something.
In fact, most women never think about the size of men's genitals; their focus is somewhere else entirely.
So true! People who do care about such things prove to be unworthy partners. I dated a man in college who belittled me whenever I ate second helpings or dessert. Luckily I came to my senses and kicked him to the curb. I've now been married for 35 years to my best friend. We both do our best to keep ourselves in shape and we are healthy and happy. Do I wish I was thin, yes. But it won't really improve my life and it won't make people like/love me more.